The other night after dinner I was upstairs when I heard this awful noise coming from behind my house. At first I thought it was wind howling through the edges of my window but then felt it was too loud and high pitched for that. Was someone having a party? If they were, the party had taken a bad turn because the noise was dreadful. It was lifting the hair off my neck. Then I wondered if I was hearing an ambulance or if it was just people screaming for one.

I opened the window and stuck my head out, which I could do because there is no screen in this window, offering me some welcome fresh air but a very black view while also making me feel unprotected. The racket was as loud as ever now and maybe 50 feet from my backyard. I’ve watched too many Stephan King movies to not have vile visions in my head. Was it the Antichrist? Or extraterrestrials? Maybe even the Second Coming — which is just as scary to me because as much as I want to go, I don’t want to go right now.  I need time to mentally pack for that trip.

It was now starting to sound like a dog fight on steroids. My neighbors all have dogs but they keep their dogs in at night and I was hoping one of them didn’t break loose and get caught in the middle of things because it wouldn’t win. While I am not a dog person, I was feeling sick to my stomach imagining what might be going on.

I yelled downstairs to the hubby to turn the yard lights on. We still couldn’t see anything because it was so dark out but he knew what was happening. He said it was a pack of coyotes “doing what coyotes do.” That had me picturing them all out on the prowl, strutting like alpha males in their wife beater tank tops, each one trying to outdo the other. Maybe even doing a bad imitation of “Tim-the-tool-man” grunts and growls — you know — in an ear piercing kind of way.

The hubby thought they were probably feasting on the deer carcass he’d seen out there. Well that is not a picture I want floating around in my mind. As the noise tempered down I imagined them sitting around the bones with drinks and cigars, rating the food with only two stars because it was cold and not at all fresh. I suppose a couple of them were picking fur out of their teeth, others were burping. Coyotes are gross — and frightening.

I can’t even imagine what I’d do if I came across a pack of them in the dark. I’ve watched movies where people manage to survive such things but I’m not strong enough or patient enough to wait them out. I’d probably drop to my knees in terror and tell them to go for the jugular and make it quick. 

And that, my friends, is why I don’t venture into the woods.

 

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