Oh the trials and tribulations I seem to go through on a daily basis. This particular day started off easy enough — my sister and I went to church, then shopping, and topped it off with lunch. 

It just happened to be Father’s Day and my children were planning a barbecue for their dad and all I was told to do was pick up some buns and some ice cream. I still don’t know why I was supposed to get ice cream because no one ever touched either one. It seems Jodie’s fruit salad was the preferred dessert. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I had come home and clicked my garage door opener but nothing happened. Clicked it again with no results, figured the battery had died, hopped out of the car and headed for the inside garage door opener. That didn’t work either. The only thing worse than not being able to get into your garage is not being able to get out of it, so I focused on that stroke of luck. 

It didn’t take an astrophysicist to solve this dilemma. I did it myself by trying to turn on the lights. I had no power. I didn’t know why, I just knew it to be a fact. I called my neighbors to see if someone could share in my misery because misery loves company, and they were able to commiserate with me. 

By 1:30 I had my power back, which was great since the party was being held here at 4:30 and now we wouldn’t have to eat raw salt potatoes — which by the way is like eating dirt so I did my happy dance. And I kept dancing until I tried to get online. I had no internet service! I unplugged and rebooted everything imaginable, multiple times, to no avail. I did everything but stand on my head, but even that’s a lie because that’s pretty much what you have to do to unplug my computer. 

I called my internet provider three times before I got to talk to a real person, who might as well have been a robot for all the good it did because I don’t understand the jargon they use. I mean what the heck is an Ethernet cable anyway? My stomach was roiling with uncertainty, which is my kryptonite. I needed a technician to come to the house. They said I didn’t but I know me better than that. Alas and alack, I would be without internet for three days.

I tried to believe it would be no big deal but it was! When everybody got here for the party there was no internet for their devices and I had to get out a deck of cards just to keep my hands busy. After everyone left I found myself pacing. My fingers itched to check in with my friends. The strangers I play online scrabble with probably think I died, and how was I going to submit my column if this wasn’t fixed by Thursday?

I found it quite shocking to discover just how hooked I was, and how lost I was, and how much ransom I was willing to pay to get my life back. I was ashamed of myself. Not enough to give up the internet but enough to know that small changes will need to be made in case some day the cost of it will force my hand.

As for the party itself, the older grandkids turned on their data and the younger ones went outside to play so I started getting things set out. Oh dear, both my yellow mustard and my brown mustard had about one squirt left. I asked if this was going to be a problem and saw shoulders deflate all around the room.  Even though he was the man of the hour, the hubby hopped in his truck to fix this tragedy. I thought about what else might be needed and recalled with horror his words of just that morning, “We’re all out of sliced cheese.”

 I don’t know about you but I find it quite difficult to make cheeseburgers without cheese. Naturally the hubby didn’t have his cell phone with him so I improvised with a brick of extra sharp cheese cut in half and then sliced sideways. 

When someone asked, “What do you have for drinks?” the hair literally came off my neck. No one had told me I was supplying drinks and my cupboards were practically bare. We had just spent four days visiting Jeremy, and the next day I repacked my suitcase and headed to a four-day retreat. The hubby had specifically said, “Don’t buy groceries … I’ll eat out of the freezer.” Well the freezer couldn’t help me now … 

After I gave a lengthy speech on the benefits of drinking water, they raided my fridge for the last of any soda, juice, or milk. Only the slow pokes got water.

And that’s the truth! 

debbiehough@hotmail.com

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