Thinking Out Loud: Me, Myself, and I

Self-help books quite often tell you to listen to your inner voice. They make it sound so easy. They don’t know what it’s like inside my head.

That’s why it’s so hard to use my turn signal. When I am heading into the city for the third time that same day and come to the fork in the road, an inner voice tells me to take the road less traveled. That’s when a second inner voice tells me that the usual way is the quickest way. Now I’m listening to the two of them argue over change of scenery versus the price of gas, monotony versus safety, and time saved versus leisure. It’s a wonder I haven’t taken out a telephone pole by now.

When I’m shopping they argue over need versus want, color over black and white, medium or large, variety pack or single use. After a while I throw a ball down the aisle, telling them to go chase it so I can do what I want.

Back when I only had one inner voice I was perfectly capable of making horrible choices. That must be why I got me another one. At least now we can put things to a vote if need be because we have a tiebreaker.

I often think I should call my son. One of my inner voices owns a watch and says “he’s working, call him later.” The next time I think about it, it’s 6 p.m. I get another tapping of the watch and get told “He’s likely eating dinner, then putting the boys to bed, take a chill pill.” By the time I think of it again, it’s way too late and I can almost hear that voice snickering. It’s an imp, I tell ya.

Other days I tell myself I’m going to be good and not eat junk. I don’t know why I bother. I know darn well they are both going to talk me out of being good as soon as a brownie happens by.

On Tuesdays, because of time constraints, I hit the McDonald’s drive-thru for lunch. I want a McChicken. Just as I’m being asked for my order, a voice says “maybe you want a double cheeseburger today.” The other voice informs me I want to go big and get a quarter pounder. The person on the other end of the speaker might get paid $15 an hour but she has little patience for my stuttering and stammering. I feel like driving around the building and getting back in line to try again after I’ve had some time to think. One of these days I’m going to tell the person on the other end of the speaker to “surprise me” just to stun the imps into silence.

When I’m designing a table runner I think I want black trim, but sure enough one of them is telling me I really want red, and the other one, not to be outdone, thinks green might spice it up a little. Those are the times when I have to force the Hubby into an opinion. I know he’d rather be anywhere but here in those moments yet he has come to realize how the voices like to trip me up — and his advice is actually good.

So yeah, anytime a decision has to be made there is going to be trouble. Me, Myself and I are a real piece of work.