As of today I have been in captivity for 90 days. Other than JoAnn Fabrics being closed I’ve had little to complain about. It’s been more like a staycation of epic proportions. I was even able to get my Medicare card over the phone, though it took practically the whole three months they give you.

I also needed to renew my driver’s license but with Motor Vehicle being closed I was told not to worry about it, so I didn’t. Then I heard they were opening, and to call on Monday for an appointment. I hovered near the phone until it was time and at 9:01 I placed the call, figuring it would be quick and easy. I was told to stay on the line, that my call would be answered in the order it was made. Ten minutes later I put it on speaker so I could use my hands.

Thirty minutes in I was wondering just how many people could have called ahead of me in the one minute it took me to call.

Fifty minutes later I was voicing my frustration on FB, hoping to elicit some sympathy which I did not get. Apparently it was my own fault, being as I made the phone call in the first place and what did I expect?

One minute after that, I was connected — almost as if someone had read my post and said “Ooh we’d better get to her now!”

My appointment was made, not two weeks away as I had expected but only two days away. How amazing. I decided to fill out the paperwork they had sent in the mail to save time later. I struggled over whether to get a Real license or an Enhanced license. I Googled it and still didn’t know because I was hung up on what constituted a Federal Building. What if I said I didn’t need to enter one and found out Town Hall was a Federal Building. I’d have to do business through the window.

So I did what I always do — I queried three people. One had gotten an Enhanced because (get this) “Why not?”

It costs thirty bucks, that’s why not — at least not without a good reason.

The second person said she got an Enhanced because she figured eventually everyone would need one anyway. This was still not a good enough reason to spend my money.

The third person was quite clear. The Enhanced would get me into bordering countries. Well I have no plans to cross any borders any time soon, if ever so — Real it was.

Now because I was upgrading from a Standard license (which would not get me on an airplane) I needed to bring all kinds of proof of who I was. From my birth certificate to my passport to my electric bills I would take no chances — I would bring everything, even my prescription for my glasses, (being as I failed to plan ahead last November and have the eye doctor fill out a form) I did all this so as not to get sent home. I packed everything except my marriage license because why would I need that?

I’ll tell you why you would need that. Because sometimes people get their social security cards before they get married, like me. And then they accidently bring the old card, like me. And if you can’t prove how you went from one name to another name, like me, you get sent home — which I did.

But they didn’t send me home empty-handed because everyone there was so kind and helpful! I mean, some good looking officer even took my temperature upon entering. How’s that for service? The only way they could have improved my visit was if another good looking young man massaged my feet while I stood in line.

 I was given a Standard license which will still get me on an airplane for the next year.

All I have to do now is start all over again with a new phone call, a new appointment, new paperwork to fill out, a new line to stand in, the right social security card and just to be safe — my marriage license.

Heaven help me.

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